onepiece_300 | Screw you, dormnet. Screw. You.

Yeeeaaaah, wanted to post this earlier, but my dorm internet (not-so-affectionately shortened to dormnet, or crapnet, etc) was like, what, fun? Nope, sorry, fresh out. -_-'

Title: The Love Doctor
Word Count: ...more than 300. Probably close to 500.
Characters/Pairings: Sanji, Usopp, Zoro, Ace, UsoKaya
Media: FIc
Rating: G uh... +?
Prompt: Smooth

"SANJI!"

The cook flinched and then scowled as the loud yelling of one of his roommates caused the soufflé he had been preparing to fall flat. He slammed the pan down and whirled to level a fierce glare over the bar at the apartment door.

"Someone better be dying," he growled.

Normally, that look would have scared the pants off of Usopp, but today he seemed too panicked about something else to do more than shiver before crossing the room in three quick steps. "I need your help!"

Sanji raised a curly eyebrow and hid any worry he might feel with feigned irritation. "For ruining my soufflé, the mob better be after you."

"Worse!" The curly-haired teen flailed his arms before changing abruptly from frantic to sheepish, rubbing the back of his neck nervously. "I, uh… I asked Kaya to go to the movies with me, and she said yes."

Sanji blinked at him a second, then a sly smile crept over his face. He punched Usopp lightly on the shoulder. "You dog, you. Way to go! That's great!"

"It's horrible," Usopp snapped back. "I don't know what to do!"

"You're a senior in high school, haven't you done this sort of thing before?"

"Uh…" Usopp looked down, a blush on his cheeks. "Not… a whole lot…"

"Oh." Now feeling guilty, Sanji wiped his hands on his apron before pulling the garment off. "Well, you've come to the right place. Sanji Prince, Ladies Man, at your service!" He suddenly got a lovesick look in his eye, knees going wobbly. "I'll train you in the ways of love, so that Miss Kaya will be sure to have the wonderful date she deserves. Ahhh, mellorine!"

"…On second thought, maybe I'll just go ask Ace for advice."

"Not so fast, shitty long-nose!" Sanji grabbed the back of his shirt, causing him to squeak in protest, and dragged him to the couch. "I'll teach you all you need to know, starting with a man's most valuable maneuver on a movie date: the arm stretch."

"Arm stretch?" Usopp repeated skeptically.

"Right. What you do is, you pretend you're a little tired. Then you're going to yawn and stretch your arms up behind you. And theeeeen," he got a big, goofy grin on his face, "you put your arm down around her shoulders and let her settle into you. Easy as that."

"Okaaay…"

Sanji pointed at the couch. "Here, sit down and I'll show you. Pretend to be Kaya."

Usopp scowled at the idea of being the girl, but he obeyed. Sanji sat next to him, flipping on the TV as he did so.

"Watch carefully, long-nose."

Sanji yawned once, a small one, bringing his hand up to his mouth to cover it. A few seconds later, he yawned larger, this time stretching his arms up over his head. He brought his left arm down around Usopp's shoulders, pulling him against his chest. Then he turned and smiled at him playfully, so that Usopp could see that their faces would now be in good kissing position.

"What. The. Hell."

Sanji's grin melted before he and Usopp turned to see Zoro standing in the doorway, gaping at them, Ace behind him. The latter wolf-whistled.

"A-ah! It's not what you think!" Sanji began to protest quickly, while Usopp joined in with his own babbled explanations. They both stopped when Zoro raised a hand.

"I don't even want to know," he said, before walking off to his room. Behind him, Ace started laughing hysterically.

"I thought it was smooth, Sanji. Real smooth."